Thursday, May 26, 2011

This RSS feed shit sucks

seriously, what the deal.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I think this dude maybe didn't think this out entirely

SARASOTA, Fla., Feb. 15 (UPI) -- Authorities in Florida said a homeless man sent to jail Friday was found to be concealing 30 items in a condom hidden in his rectum.

The Sarasota County Sheriff's Office said Neil Lansing, 33, had been jailed following a Friday court appearance on undisclosed charges when corrections deputies performing a routine cell block search noticed a piece of condom sticking out of Lansing's rectum, the Sarasota Herald-Tribune reported Tuesday.

Officials said they removed the condom and it was found to contain 17 blue pills, a cigarette, six matches, one flint, an empty syringe with an eraser covering the needle, a lip balm container, an unused condom, a pharmacy receipt and a coupon.

The sheriff's office said Lansing, who is being held without bond, is facing charges of possessing a drug and a tobacco product in jail.

This is the only thing I was wondering after I finished reading this article: why the fuck did he bother to stick the receipt up there too? I can't imagine that he was intending to return anything that he'd put up his butt, but I guess financially that's a smart decision. He may be that most forward-thinking person to over shove multiple items up his butt. But really dude, a single cigarette? why not just go for the whole pack? Not only that, but do you really want to put something that's been chillin' in your asshole for God knows how long in your mouth? I know it's your own personal butt juices and all but still, not hygienic in any sense. Also not sure why he decided to stick the condom up there, because if he was planning to bone some dude in jail i'm pretty sure gay sex is a good way to not get anyone pregnant. But on the other side, why did he bother to stick that up there anyway? It's not like condoms are illegal. Moral of the story is this guy is a total conundrum to me...really thinking on his feet with some of the things he shoved up his bumhole and then just totally missing the mark on others.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Police just violating or freedoms all over the fucking place

A man who filmed the speedometer of his car while driving more than 140 miles per hour so he could post it on YouTube, ended up in jail on Saturday and the video confiscated, police said.

Stanislav Vadimovich Bakanov was pulled over by police on Oregon Interstate 5 after he was clocked driving his black 2005 BMW at 118 mph. He filmed Sheriff's Deputy Ryan Postlewait as he approached the car.

When Postlewait asked why he was videotaping, Bakanov said he was filming his speedometer, and his arrest, to post on Youtube. The video later revealed that Bakanov had attained speeds in excess of 140 mph.

He was arrested and confined in Marion County jail Saturday night, charged with reckless driving and speeding. It was his third speeding incident in the past year. The video was confiscated and will be used as evidence against him.

Not cool, piggy. Not cool at all. I get this guy didn't really get to the part yet where he actually POSTED his speedy ride on YouTube and you didn't arrest him just for seeing the video, but the right idea was there so I call bullshit on YOU. Can't a man just post a cool video to the internet without the Po being all up in his business? I mean, how fucking awesome would it be to see ANOTHER video of people driving really super fast and yelling "140 miles per hour, holy shit!!" on the video. There's never enough dumb shit on the internet, and yes, I watch all of it. It's my right to do whatever the hell I want and post it on the internet. That's my right as an American. Nothing is illegal anymore if you plan to film it and then let other people get enjoyment out of it. That's just being a good samaritan and paying it forward. Haley Joel Osment agrees with me.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Marlon Brando knows how to work a lady

Dear Lady —

There is something not quite definable in your face — something lovely, not pretty in a conventionally thought of way. You have something graceful and tender and feminine (sp). You seem to be a woman who has been loved in her childhood, or else, somehow by the mystery of genetic phenomena you have been visited by the gifts of refinement, dignity and poise. Perhaps you cannot be accredited with all that.

Irrespective of your gothic aspects, you have passed something on in terms of your expression, mien and general comportment that is unusual and rewarding.

It's been a pleasant if brief encounter and I wish you well and I hope we shall have occasion to cross eyes again sometime.

Best wishes

Marlon Brando


What I wouldn't give to have Marlon Brando whisper sweet nothings into my ear all night. Calling me "not pretty in a conventional way" and "not accrediting me" with how pretty he thinks I am. I haven't seen the word "irrespective" since...well...never, and if somebody calls you Gothic and you're not trying to be, isn't that kind of insulting? Anyway, I guess this is how it goes when you're super famous and women are desperately trying to fuck you left and right to the point where your social etiquette skills are just completely out the window. You end up like the Edgar Allen Poe of romance over here spouting nonsense and calling people kinda pretty, but not really. I guess it's better than being called fat.

epic broadcasting fail

Rule #4 of broadcasting: never speak your own weirdo language on camera. Darison? Burtation? Close to actual words, Serene, but no cigar. The funniest part of this is that they're actually trying to claim that this lady had a stroke on camera. I have news for them, however: sometimes you just want to speak some gibberish. Truly, this is a broadcaster's nightmare and as a budding journalist over here, I sincerely pray that NOTHING this randomly awful happens to me.

The greatest part is when she realizes she's speaking Esperanto and takes on a look of disgust, although she knows she's in Esperanto-mode now and there's no turning back. It's like when you speak two languages and you don't know you're speaking in one language and you can't switch back to the other and you're stuck forever in one and OH MY GOD AM I GOING TO BE LIKE THIS FOREVER?!?!?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I've officially found the worst show on the planet

Congratulations, MTV. You have developed the absolute most heinous show I've ever sat through. I can watch some serious shitty television...but I can't even sit through this garbage. The show follows some handful of teenagers around while they blow anything they can shoot up their nose, fuck each other's bony bodies, and then talk about how much they are/aren't getting laid. The main heartthrob of this series is some little boy who looks like he walked out of an Abercrombie Kids catalogue and into this show. The acting is so god damn awful that the expressionless dialogue isn't even remotely believable. Everyone is so abhorring and unlikable that I was punching myself in the face by the end of the episode.

And you know what? I really wanted to fucking like this show. I love to watch terrible televison....I don't know why, I just do. So this looked like some Grade A trash-tv and it was so bad that I wouldn't even disgrace trash tv by putting this show in the same stratosphere. If MTV were any sort of smart they would bury this show under old footage of "Singled Out" and "Dismissed" and never, ever let it rear its ugly head toward society. It's gonna put an eye out.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Sucks for you all going to Mexico for Spring Break

Armed men opened fire and hurled a grenade into a crowded nightclub early Saturday, killing six people and wounding at least 37 in a western city whose former tranquility has been shattered by escalating battles among drug cartels.

The attack in Mexico's second-largest municipality took place just hours after a shootout between soldiers and presumed cartel gunmen left eight people, including an innocent driver, dead in the northeastern city of Monterrey. Monterrey is Mexico's third-largest city.

In the Guadalajara attack, assailants in a Jeep Cherokee and a taxi drove up to the Butter Club, located in a bar and restaurant district popular with young people, and sprayed it with bullets.

Well, I'm damn glad I'm going to the Bahamas this March and not Mexico, that's for sure. This isn't even crazy drug-war shit going down in the total ghettos of this country anymore...a friggin NIGHTCLUB had a GRENADE hurled into it. Oh, don't forget that it also was "sprayed with bullets." Yeah, that's definitely a place I want to be drunk off my ass, stumbling around wondering what in the hell is going on. Nothing screams "Spring Break!!!" like open gunfire.